Harness to Church

17-June 2019:  Harness to Church 

I wore a harness to church this weekend.  What does that say about my character?

I know I should feel guilty, but I honestly don’t. I had just gotten this J.J. Malibu harness that same day, so I put it on and thought it was conspicuous enough that I could keep wearing it. I covered it with a t-shirt and polo; two layers conceal it nicely.

My family and I headed to Mass. Our usual priest was gone on a mission trip. I’m glad because I always feel weirdly that he looks right through me. Like he has a window into my soul and can see all my sins. I know it’s stupid, and I’m probably just paranoid. He is a younger priest in his 30s and extremely conservative. He is all black and white, whereas I view things as shades of gray. If you understand my meaning, he does not deviate from the Catholic ways.
The visiting priest was a retired man easily in his 70s. I felt more relaxed since he would never have any clue about me. The harness felt snug but not too tight. I rubbed at my chest several times to palpate it and remind myself that, yep, it was still there. 

I really don’t know why I attend church. Actually, that is not true. I attend because it’s important to my wife and other family members. Yet I don’t believe much of what the church says. Contrary to its teachings, I prescribe birth control, perform tubal ligation surgeries, and have counseled women regarding abortion. I personally have had a vasectomy. Of course, I don’t support the church’s discrimination against the LGBTQ community. To be honest, I don’t know if I believe in God. I think the belief in Him can give comfort to some. I know it has helped me interact with patients when they are at their lowest. I’d like to believe in Him (At least I think I would). But it seems that church, for me, is just another facade that I have in my life. I obviously have too many facades.   

I ended up keeping this harness on and even sleeping in it. What I like about it and the other one I have (the leather one) is that the garments feel like someone is hugging me. I don’t have physical intimacy in my life, so it’s strangely nice to experience that feeling again. 

 

If someone lifted up my shirt, what would they think? I want to expose it all. Someone should just strip off my layers. Then maybe I can find a sense of relief.

I know I should have color-matched and worn black briefs, but no one but you viewers will ever know.

You’ve seen and heard my secrets.  Let me know yours!